just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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