Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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