so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
