We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
