I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
