thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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