Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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