before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize