were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
