Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
