so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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