The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
