If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
