im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
