So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize