i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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