Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
