Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
