forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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