Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
