At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize