I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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