I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
