i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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