It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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