Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
