I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
sex in a hospital.. check
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
