When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
