he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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