Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
