Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
When are your genitals available?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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