i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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