like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
