Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
