so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
