I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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