It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
