Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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