I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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