can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When are your genitals available?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
