I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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