Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize