You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
