someone threw a dead crab at me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
