That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize