I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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