In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize