There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When are your genitals available?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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