I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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