I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
