Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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