Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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