is your mom at the bar?
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
