for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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