So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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