I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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