You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
