Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Actions speak louder than pants.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
