FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
