Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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