I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
