The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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