Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
