my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
