did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
