Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
